Januariad

Uncle Dessy’s on his fifth brandy, although you wouldn’t know it to look at him. The only way you can tell is that he suddenly wants to talk to me. Five brandies and we haven’t even sat down to dinner yet.

‘I have a bit of a business proposal to run by you.’ He takes a good sip.

‘Yes? I’m pretty broke, as you know.’ Some small, child part of me would give anything to go into business with Uncle Dessy.

‘Yes, yes. We all know. I’m not looking for money.’ He glances around, pantomime conspiratorial. ‘You know about monkeys?’

‘I know what they are.’

‘My friend John’s monkeys?’

‘He has monkeys?’

‘A whole rake of them in a room out the back of his kitchen. He keeps them as pets. Macaws or something.’

‘I think that’s a kind of parrot.’

‘No, no, these are definitely monkeys. That’s important. I was over there for a fry the other morning and it’s quite remarkable. John has them doing all sorts of little jobs around the house. Fetching the brown sauce from the press. Putting the plates in the dishwasher. All for a few rinds of rasher.’

‘I’m told they’re quite intelligent.’

‘They did break one glass, but it wasn’t malicious.’

‘So what has this to do with business?’

‘I got to thinking to myself, lad. If these animals are so intelligent, if they can be trained to do this and that with their little hands, then it seems to me the potential is quite obvious: Monkey handjobs.’

I sputter my cheap Cava, or come close. None of the family appear to have heard. ‘Uncle, I don’t know what you think you mean when you say “handjob”, but let me assure you, it…’

‘I mean exactly what you mean by it. Handjobs. Belly-boxing. Wanking, as we used call it back in the trenches.’

‘You want to train the monkeys?’

‘You’re quick, lad.’ He refills his glass, then tries to pour brandy into my wine glass. I demur. ‘If there’s one thing that you realise the essential boringness of once you get to my age, it’s hoisting the old national flag. What people are looking for in this area (and in all areas) is novelty. This will be a brand new experience.’

‘Isn’t this essentially bestiality? Isn’t that illegal?’

‘Good God, lad, it’s only a handjob. No one is suggesting we abuse the poor creatures. I’m not sure it is actually illegal though, in our constitution. You’re thinking of those prudish yanks.’

I frown. ‘It just seems very complicated. Why not pay a woman?’

‘That’s rank prostitution, my boy. Frankly I’m surprised at you.’

Hot shame flushes in my cheeks. Granny enters the dining room and, with great formality, rings the first and smallest in a series of silver bells, thereby signaling a quarter of an hour until the meal. ‘What do you want me for?’ I asked.

‘Well…’ He glances around. ‘This is a hot idea. We need to keep it under wraps for now. But the monkeys need to be trained, of course. What I need from you is your youthful vigour. Your ability to “rise to the occasion” as it were, hah hah. When you get to my age…’

‘Please stop.’

‘As you wish. Someone will have to put in some time while the monkeys get used to the idea. I’ll need you and at least three others, depending on how many I can lay my hands on. Or how many can lay their hands on you, hah hah.’

‘Will these be male or female monkeys?’

‘I hardly think it matters, do you? Do you? We can offer a choice, I suppose. Both should be available. It might actually offer a frisson of excitement if the gender of the monkey is unknown. People might pay more for that.’

‘Do you think?’

‘In fact…’ I can see the thoughts shifting about behind his eyes like boiling rice. ‘…if this becomes popular, it could do a lot for our beleaguered nancy boys, don’t you think? Once your average Joe is getting tugged off by a possibly male monkey every other week, it might just make him a little more open to the habits of your brother Paul, for example.’

‘You think we’re going to end homophobia by way of softcore bestiality. You really want to put those two in the same thought together.’

‘Paul will thank you on his wedding day, my boy. Would you like another brandy?’ The fourth bell rings. Eight minutes.